About 2 months ago I…. well… for the purposes of this post we’ll just call it a ‘loss’ - I suffered a rather major loss in my life. Odd thing was, other than a very few tears this “loss” didn't seem to affect me much. I went on with my life and honestly had 2 of the most peaceful, productive, athletic, creative and spiritual months I can remember for a very long time.
Looking back on it now it seems like the content censor in my brain (and yes, I’m sure I have at least 2 of them. One for input, and a very lazy one for output) saw the fateful message come across his desk and decided, "Nope- you now what? She’s really too fragile to handle this at present. I mean look at this place! Work is stressing her out. We’ve just come out of 3 straight weeks of migraines and there are chemical imbalances EVERYWHERE! Serotonin production and retention are at an all time low while cortisol is out of control! Nope, nope we are going to heavily redact this one before sending it for processing. It will be like nothing ever happened..."
Now, keep in mind - it’s not that I actually had forgotten anything. I was sad. I thought about what had happened and had tangible reminders of it every day. For some reason, however, there wasn’t as much sting as I would expect. I even remarked to friends and family that I was a little worried that the other shoe was waiting to fall.
Well, it did. Last Friday I got a rather strong reminder of what happened in February. It hit me with much more force than I would have ever anticipated. Mr. Censor (don’t ask why my female brain has a male censor, I don’t know why.) took a look around my brain and saw how much healthier I’ve been lately. I’m running, meditating, eating better, drawing, painting, writing, going to church, reconnecting with friends, (breathe!) and finding some balance with work and home. Well, I suppose he decided that it was time. Not just time to deal with Friday’s news – but time to finally read and process the entire first message.
It’s been a rough couple of days. I have to say, though, I am starting to feel hopeful. Hopeful that now I can *finally* (I said FINALLY…dammit!) begin the process of putting this whole sad chapter behind me.
Hopeful.
Hopeful that there really is a new better chapter waiting to be written.
Looking back on it now it seems like the content censor in my brain (and yes, I’m sure I have at least 2 of them. One for input, and a very lazy one for output) saw the fateful message come across his desk and decided, "Nope- you now what? She’s really too fragile to handle this at present. I mean look at this place! Work is stressing her out. We’ve just come out of 3 straight weeks of migraines and there are chemical imbalances EVERYWHERE! Serotonin production and retention are at an all time low while cortisol is out of control! Nope, nope we are going to heavily redact this one before sending it for processing. It will be like nothing ever happened..."
Now, keep in mind - it’s not that I actually had forgotten anything. I was sad. I thought about what had happened and had tangible reminders of it every day. For some reason, however, there wasn’t as much sting as I would expect. I even remarked to friends and family that I was a little worried that the other shoe was waiting to fall.
Well, it did. Last Friday I got a rather strong reminder of what happened in February. It hit me with much more force than I would have ever anticipated. Mr. Censor (don’t ask why my female brain has a male censor, I don’t know why.) took a look around my brain and saw how much healthier I’ve been lately. I’m running, meditating, eating better, drawing, painting, writing, going to church, reconnecting with friends, (breathe!) and finding some balance with work and home. Well, I suppose he decided that it was time. Not just time to deal with Friday’s news – but time to finally read and process the entire first message.
It’s been a rough couple of days. I have to say, though, I am starting to feel hopeful. Hopeful that now I can *finally* (I said FINALLY…dammit!) begin the process of putting this whole sad chapter behind me.
Hopeful.
Hopeful that there really is a new better chapter waiting to be written.
6 comments:
oh my sweet sister! you absolutely will have better chapters of your life. you know I will always be there for you even if its to take vengance! oh wait lol you know what I mean
Ok you are right, it doesn't really say what your "loss" is. But it is just apparent to those who really know you understand. I agree with our sister that we are here for you, even if we don't know what to say. I am really bad at word, but I am good at just listening. :) AND WE WILL HAVE VENGEANCE! - oh wait- that is the Kell coming out in me. :) But I guess all I have to say is- keep your chin up. The Lord has a plan for all of us and even though we don't get it now and even fight it at times, things will work out how they were supposed to in the end. :) Remember that you are CORISSA! The Lord knows who you are and he loves you! I love you too!
so that last comment should have been proofed before I sent it, but you get the picture. :)
I just want to say... for the record... that while I'm thankful for my family being willing to mete out vengence - this really wasn't a situation that requires any. LOL!!!
our minds are amazing things...Nathan calls my mind a rug..lol and everything gets swept under it till of course it gets so dusty it explodes lol. i know to say i know what you are feeling is perhaps redundant but i understand..maybe not the same loss you are experience..but the loss of hope..and yet to still have hope lol.. i know that doesnt make much sense..but know im thinking of you ...and lots of hugs...and it will get better...it has to..thats all i can believe right now is that life has to get better at some point :)
What else is chocolate for, I wonder? I had a similar time a little while back and I think the high points of what you do have get you through it: kids (when they are sweet:)), sleep, a good book, a good long run in a scenic area, etc.
I also recommend a LOTR Marathon.
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